“This is the last, enjoy every single moment of it.” These are the words I tell myself every single day.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew that it was going to be for the last time . It felt right, it felt complete. Even when Macks was born and I looked at all three of my kids, my heart felt completely full. Three kids was it for me. I have two beautiful and caring girls and one sweet boy and that is all that I need.
Last Saturday while the girls and MacKay were at the playground and Macks slept in our room, I sat in our living room tackling two weeks worth of laundry. Most of the time I paid no attention to what I was folding and just went through the motions as I caught up on my television shows.
And then there was the shirt that stopped me in my tracks. A shirt that Macks has only worn a couple of times, but the last time I put it on him it was so snug I could barely get it over his head. It was clear that he had outgrown it and that it would be the last time he wore it. This boy is so big that he’s now wearing 6-12 month clothing, making nearly all of the clothes that I bought him useless.
I started to pick up a hanger to hang it up, but knew that I was delaying the inevitable. My heart started to beat rapidly as my stomach turned upside down. I didn’t want to fold it up and put it away. I’d be putting it away forever, never to be used by a baby of my own again.
As I folded up that little blue shirt, tears started to roll down my face. Why was this so hard?
It’s only a shirt.
I repeated this over and over again.
It’s only a shirt.
But the reality was, it was more than just a shirt. It was me coming to my own senses. I don’t want to pack up Macks’ clothes forever and never to be used by me again. I’m reluctant to even get rid of the girl’s clothes that I have packed away in storage containers. I find myself holding onto baby products completely terrified to give them away.
But, why?
Is Macks really my last? I was so sure that he was. But even with the craziness (and sometimes feeling completely overwhelmed) of having three kids, I now find myself second guessing it. I don’t know if this is just emotions that every mom goes through knowing that a stage of their life is coming to an end. Or does it mean that I really don’t feel done having kids? I honestly don’t know the answer right now.
Was this the first of many lasts to come?
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