MacKay left for New York City just nine weeks after Harlan was born. I dreaded him leaving, but knew that it was best for us if I stayed behind and finished out the final months of the school year. At nine weeks, we had merely dipped our toes into the sea of parenthood. We were still trying to decipher what the cries meant, what schedule worked best, how to juggle our life with a baby. We were still in the midst of chaos. To add to the mayhem, my maternity leave was ending, Harlan was entering daycare and I was about to be a working mom.
When MacKay left, I was a wreck. I felt like my head was barely above water. I’d go to work, pick Harlan up, spend a couple hours with her before putting her to bed, fix her stuff for the next day, eat dinner, and then spend all night up with her (she was the worst sleeper,) only to wake up the next morning to do it all over again. My confidence in myself and my ability to do this all on my own was pretty much non-existent.
When we moved to Manhattan when Harlan was nine months old I believed in myself just a little bit more than I did the previous months. I’d built up the courage to think that I could do this motherhood thing, but I was still terrified at our new life in the city and navigating the concrete jungle with a baby all on my own during the day.
Slowly but surely as I started to get out more and meet new people, I felt more secure. I was doing it. I was breaking down the walls of fear and self-doubt that had been built over the past year. They were crumbling down, bit by bit. New motherhood had nothing on me.
When Avery was born, those walls started to build up again. I was terrified to stay with both girls on my own. Worried that I couldn’t handle a newborn and a toddler by myself. It took time for me to get used to the juggle of both of them needing my attention, but I proved to myself that I could do it. And that I could do it well.
Adding three kids to the mix when Macks was born was pandemonium, but that fear that once lived inside me was so far gone. It was shortly after Macks was born that MacKay had to go out of town for his first business trip. While this normally would have me terrified to have him gone that long to do everything on my own, I wasn’t nervous at all. Without a doubt in my mind, I knew I could do it. And I did.
MacKay just left for a week-long trip yesterday morning. This was the first time in a while that he’s been out of town over a weekend. Weekends are always the toughest because all three kids are home from school and the chaos is more present than ever.
Of course the day after he leaves, we have a major snowstorm hit our area which leaves no school for the kids and me in charge of all of the snow removal in our driveway. I laughed at the irony of the situation. We’ve hardly had any snow all winter and as soon as MacKay leaves, we get much more snow than they were expecting.
But rather than sulk in how unfortunate the situation was, I told myself I was going to make it the best snow day for all of us. And so that’s what we did.
The girls put on their best winter attire.
Hudson jumped around in the snow outside.
As soon as the snow stopped, the girls and I went outside to play while Macks took a nap. Their laughter was contagious as they ran around, made snow angels, and just had good old fashioned fun.
When Macks woke up, he pulled up a chair and watched as the girls played in the backyard with all of the snow.
While he wasn’t up for playing in it outside, Harlan and Avery made him a part of the fun.
This day will go down as one of the best snow days for us. For the laughter, being care-free, and for the genuine fun.
I’m no supermom, but I am a confident mom. I know my value as a mother. I know that I am doing the very best that I can every single day. I know that I am capable of doing what my kids need me to. I know that I am enough.
