Most days I wake up excited to start my day and spend it with my three little ones and by the end of the day I am completely overwhelmed with all that the day brought. Having three kids has completely humbled me in the parenting arena. While I’d love for every day to go smoothly and stress-free, it’s just not practical to think that way.
At night after all three kids have gone to bed, I sit and unwind and spend time with myself. A lot of nights I’ll sit watching mindless television letting myself escape from reality for just a couple of hours, other nights MacKay and I will just sit on the couch catching up on each other’s day. On a very rare occasion, we get to go out on a date.
In the past two weeks, we’ve been lucky enough to have two date nights. Each morning before date night, I wake up like a giddy little girl excited for the night. A chance to get away from my life as a mom and build upon my life as a wife. That night I’ll make sure that the girls are tucked in bed and sleeping soundly and will get Macks in his pajamas and nurse him one last time before I hand him off to the babysitter (which happened to be both my mom and my sister.)
As soon as I walk out the door is when the worry sets in. You would think as a work at home mom with three children that I’d be singing in the streets of Manhattan when I get out on my own with my husband, but for some reason that isn’t happening. For some reason I just can’t let go.
While I know that the girls won’t be an issue, it’s Macks that I worry about. Will he take a bottle? What if he starts crying uncontrollably? Does he know that I’m not there? Will they be able to handle it?
Last Saturday night my sister came over to watch the kids while MacKay and I went out on a double date. Macks had been fussy the entire day and didn’t nap at all. He was completely over-tired and I tried my hardest to get him to sleep before my sister got there. Of course he didn’t, but he was happy when we left. Within five minutes I find myself texting my sister to see how he was. We arrive at dinner and I am “that mom” that has her phone on the table texting every 15 minutes to check on him. All I wanted to do was relax and have a good time, yet my mind was completely focused on Macks.
We finished dinner and rather than wondering where we can go next, I’m wondering where I can catch a cab to get home. I don’t ever remember being this anxiety driven with the girls, but with Macks it almost makes me sick to leave him.
I know it’s not only fun, but it’s completely necessary for me to get some time to myself out of the apartment. But what I don’t know is when I’ll be able to do that without feeling crazy inside.
