Trusting My Motherly Instincts

Before I became a mother I worried about everything. Name a disease, I thought I had it. Saw and ambulance, I thought it was on the way to my house. If I knew that something could go wrong, I worried about it. Unfortunately, anxiety has always been something that I have struggled with. As I have gotten older {and a little bit wiser} I have learned to deal with my struggles and have kept them at bay most of the time.

When I had Harlan some of my struggles with anxiety came back. Not for me, but for this new human life that I just brought into the world. I probably asked the doctor more than 50 times if something was wrong with her when she was born. Did all of the tests come back normal? Was it normal that she was spitting up that much? Is she supposed to sleep that much in one day? Suddenly I found myself worrying about everything that could go wrong with this little girl.

Saturday morning Harlan was running around and playing {as usual} when she lost her balance and fell head first into the corner of our entertainment center. MacKay and I have always tried to be very calm when Harlan falls or hurts herself. We have never wanted to freak out just to have her freak out even more. In turn, this has made her stronger and tend to brush things off when she gets hurt. On Saturday this was just the case. After she fell we ran over to her and I picked her up. I comforted her and she cried for about 5 minutes and then stopped.

When I looked at the cut over her eye, I immediately thought she needed stitches. Although it didn’t seem deep, it was very wide and seemed to be getting wider as her eye swelled. MacKay didn’t agree with me and thought I was over reacting {as I tend to do often.} I quickly shied away from my thought and figured I was in fact over reacting and automatically thinking the worst. The bleeding stopped quickly and before we knew it Harlan was up and running around again.

I had an appointment for a massage later that afternoon and reluctantly decided to go. While finding it very hard to relax during the massage, I returned home to have MacKay tell me he thought we might need to take her to the emergency room. He still didn’t think she needed stitches, but thought we should have it checked out anyway. In the back of my mind I still thought she needed stitches and was prepared for them to tell us that when we got there.

After a short wait in the waiting room {thank goodness} we were seen by the ER doctor who immediately said she did in fact need stitches. After being mentally prepared for them to tell me this, I was okay with it. I wasn’t prepared for them to tell me that they needed to put her under in order for them to perform the procedure. Harlan wasn’t cooperating as much as I would have hoped and the with the area that the laceration was being very sensitive, the doctors thought it made more sense to do it.

After apologizing for doubting me {and admitting he was wrong}, MacKay stepped up and stayed with Harlan in the room because I couldn’t bear to see her being put under. The process took about 15 minutes and before I knew it I was walking into her room waiting for her to wake up. I was familiar with the wake-up process of anesthesia because she was put under when she had ear surgery, but that didn’t make it any easier to see. Once again anxiety took over as awful thoughts rushed through my head and I asked the nurse over and over again if what she was doing was normal.

After about an hour Harlan was up and better than ever {still a little loopy.} I can honestly say that I don’t think she has learned her lesson from this accident because she is up running around and is more daring than ever. I find myself chasing after her now to make sure she doesn’t trip and fall. I think it will take my nerves a little bit to calm down from all of this.

My battle with anxiety continues to be a daily struggle. But as I try and keep my thoughts at a rational level this accident has made me realize that my anxiety and my motherly instincts are two completely different entities. While some of the thoughts that I had while she was in the hospital went to the “absolute worst case scenario,” my gut instinct to take Harlan to the hospital was right and I shouldn’t have doubted myself. Especially when it comes to my daughter.

We are blessed with motherly instincts for a reason. Trust them and go with them.