Facing the Unknown

My worst fear as a parent is something happening to my child. Honestly, I used to contemplate whether I even wanted children because of the anxiety that comes with it. I didn’t want the risk of being hurt or stressed that something would happen to them. My selfish thoughts are those of the past and I now know that the reward greatly outweighs the “risk.”

On vacation two weeks ago I was putting sunscreen on Harlan when I felt a big lump underneath her chin. My first instinct was to freak out {I’ve discussed my struggle with anxiety and hypochondria before}. This lump didn’t feel like anything she has ever had. It was really big. After calming myself down I rationally thought about it and concluded it was a swollen lymph node. Harlan was battling a sinus infection and I thought it was inflamed because she was sick. It’s not uncommon for infants and toddlers to have visible lymph nodes on their neck.

After keeping it to myself for about a day and checking the lump again I asked my parents and MacKay to feel it. None of them are medical experts, but in my mind their opinion was a sense of comfort. Of course they really had no idea. I tried to shrug it off, but it wasn’t working. Harlan’s sinus infection was getting worse and she constantly tugged at her ear. Fortunately, we have her old pediatrician in Tampa and he saw us right away.

MacKay took her to the doctor {I was too anxiety stricken to go with him} to have her sinuses checked out and give us some insight on the lump under her chin. He immediately noticed her discolored snot {for lack of a better word} and wrote her a prescription for an antibiotic. He felt the lump under her chin and discounted it for a lymph node. It felt too big to be a swollen lymph node {it’s about the size of an olive} but he wasn’t quite sure what it was. His theory was that it was a congenital lump that has gotten bigger as Harlan has grown. He said we needed to see an ENT as soon as we got back to NYC. MacKay said he tried to explain other theories but wasn’t quite as clear as he needed to be. Basically we left with more questions than answers.

The good news was that the lump was “rubbery” and and he could grab it. Other than that, we were at a loss. After speaking with MacKay about the appointment, I immediately did the worst thing you can possibly do; I googled. The worse case scenario came up. The “c” word came across my screen.

My mind wandered aimlessly. I told myself rational thoughts. If the doctor thought it was serious he would have immediately sent us to the hospital. Then I had some irrational thoughts. Why did he tell us to go immediately when we got back to NYC? What would happen if I wait?

As soon as MacKay got home from the doctor we called an ENT in NYC and scheduled an appointment. The earliest they had was over a week away which meant we had to play the waiting game. I loathe waiting. It always gets the best of me. I tried not to google anything else and cherished the time with my family.

As the weeks went by Harlan was acting completely normal. You would have never known anything was wrong. Our life continued as normal and we did our best to not show our anxiety. We didn’t want Harlan to feel our stress. Before I knew it, it was the day of the appointment.

My stomach churned as I walked into the doctor’s office this morning. Harlan immediately freaked out as we walked in the exam room {she extremely dislikes doctors.} The doctor quickly saw us and answered some of our many questions.

He felt the lump in her chin. Good news is that it decreased in size. I flat out asked him if it was cancer. He was 99.9% sure that it isn’t. Amazing news! That said, he isn’t sure what the lump is. It could be a number of things. He told me that tests are needed to get a clear answer. It could be an abnormally large lymph node or a cyst. The latter will need to be surgically removed.

I left the doctor’s office with a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. We still have questions, but my number one question has been answered. I am very thankful for that. Our ultrasound appointment is next week. We should know everything shortly after that.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for Harlan. God heard them. Thank you for the tweets, emails, text messages, phone calls, Facebook messages, etc. I truly appreciate every one of them.

If I have learned anything from this situation it is to cherish your children. Life is too precious. Time is too precious.