“Do you want anymore?”
“He’s our last.”
I get this question often and this is the canned response that I answer with. I keep thinking to myself that maybe if I say it enough times, then I’ll actually believe it. I want to believe it, but deep down I just can’t.
When I was pregnant with Macks I felt so certain that he was going to be our last baby. Perhaps it was because pregnancy and I don’t get along and I was miserable nearly 100% of the time. Being as sick as I was, the last thing I wanted was to go through another pregnancy. As soon as Macks was born, my heart grew with so much love for him. Bringing a child into the world fills you with a happiness unlike any other.
As I watched him grow for those first few weeks, although hard, I was on cloud nine. This was the first time that I truly enjoyed the baby stage for everything. Knowing he was my last, I cherished every single second of those moments, even those middle of the night no-sleep parties that panicked me with the girls. I wanted to soak it all in. He completed our family. What more could I want? I had everything I needed right in front of me. And to this day, I know that’s true.
But as the months went on, those feelings of being certain Macks is our last baby slowly started to fade and baby fever started to creep in. How do I know that we’re done having children? I mean, really know.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately as I watch Macks grow. He’s talking, walking, and really able to understand nearly everything we ask him. At 16 months old, I see more of the toddler stage in him than I do the baby stage. It’s hard for me to take in.
I love every stage that my children go through, but it’s leaving the prior stage that’s hard for me to stomach. And as Macks get done with each stage, knowing it might be the last that feels like a punch in the gut.
I always thought I’d just know. That the feeling of being done would be there. But it’s not. And now I sit here confused and wondering if that feeling will ever come.
Who knows what the future brings for our family? But although this feeling of uncertainty remains, I choose not to focus on that and focus on my three amazing children that I am blessed to call my own. Because I am so lucky to be able to call them mine, for that I’m certain.
