Testing My Limits

There are so many times that I think that I have this whole parenting thing down and then God loves to humble me and bring me back down to realize that no matter how much I think I have everything figured out, parenting is always a learning experience.

Harlan got out of school last month, which has left me with both girls at home all day long. We loved our routine during the school year and it always gave me just enough time to get my work done while Harlan was in school and Avery was napping. Now that school is out for summer, it has left a little reworking in our schedule so that I am still able to get my work finished, but spend ample time entertaining the girls and letting them enjoy summer.

One of our favorite things to do in the afternoon is to head over to the playground and run around in the sprinklers. It’s been so hot lately that the sprinklers are just what you need to cool off. Last week, we took one of our trips to the playground. Har rode her bike while I pushed Avery in the stroller. Harlan had her swimsuit on and was running back and forth through the sprinklers while Avery watched giggling as she ran by. We couldn’t play for very long because I had to get stuff from the store and get home to cook dinner. Surprisingly Harlan left without any whining and happily went with me to the store on her bike.

As we got to the store, I had to put her bike in the corner so she wasn’t riding it up and down the aisles. I got what I needed and headed to check out. As we headed out, the lines of candy at the check-out counter tempting Harlan finally got the best of her and she asked for a piece of candy. I told her no, let’s get her bike and let’s go. She wasn’t budging.

At nearly four years-old, I’ve dealt with her tantrums plenty of times. Little did I know this one going to be the one that almost had me at my breaking point.

She jumped down on the ground, refused to get her bike and just started crying for candy. At this point I am pushing the stroller, have two big bags full of heavy items on each arm, and am attempting to get her bike so we can get out of there. She follows me out yelling as I’m pushing her bike, and the stroller. Finally in front of the store outside on the busy streets of New York City in the middle of rush hour she just breaks down. Crying, kicking, screaming, throwing her shoes. The epic of tantrums.

All over a piece of candy.

I stand there. Stunned. People are staring. I’m staring. I don’t know what to do. Inside I’m crying. Mortified.

I’m pushing the stroller, pushing the bike, have my arms full of heavy bags, and it’s physically impossible for me to pick her up. If you have a toddler, you know it’s impossible to reason with them when they are in the middle of a tantrum. There was so reasoning with Harlan at this point.

Finally after 15 minutes of just letting her get it out (and me just standing there helpless,) she finally let’s up and we make it back to our apartment. Harlan goes in her room to calm down and have some quiet time while I do the same.

In that moment, standing the the middle of the sidewalk with so many people walking by, staring at us, whispering to their friends, judging my parenting abilities, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball in cry. I was helpless. So many emotions were running through my body. Many that I had never experienced at the same time. Anger, sadness, humility, horror. Emotions that I had to hold in so that I could ultimately help Harlan get through her rough moment.

I wanted so bad to hold onto these emotions and just let them out. Cry, scream, anything that would have made me feel better in the moment. But I didn’t. Because my love for Harlan is an emotion that is so much stronger than any of the ones that just happened to pop up in a moment of weakness (for both me and Harlan.)

That night, MacKay took Harlan on a date for some one-on-one time (sometimes her way of showing us she needs us to herself is by acting out.) When she came up she immediately jumped into bed with me to cuddle up. She grabbed my hand and before I knew it she was sleeping with her head on my should and her hand in mine. At that moment all of those emotions that were running through me earlier in the day were gone. The only emotion running through me now was love. Pure love.

Parenting is an adventure that has its up and downs. It will push you and challenge you in ways that you could never imagine. But will all of the trials and tribulations, comes strength. It’s moments when we feel like we have reached our limit, that we’ve really only touched the surface. And through it all we are becoming a better parent.