I remember my last semester of college like it was yesterday. I spent my days and nights with the best friends that I’d made over the last four years, completely ignoring the upcoming months of having to find a job of entering the “real world.” I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do or where I was going to live. But in that moment, I didn’t really care.
Sure it weighed on me every time my dad asked me for any prospective job updates and I had zero. Up until that point, my entire life was already planned out for me and all of the sudden that comes to an abrupt stop and I was at a standstill. It was the weirdest feeling not knowing what was happening next or where I was supposed to go.
When we first found out that we were pregnant with this little guy, the first thought that popped into my head was “what are we going to do?” It wasn’t that we weren’t excited, it was just that this baby could really be life changing for our family. Adding a third child while we are living in the city is a game changer. In fact, it’s the number one question I get asked when I tell people that this is my third.
Our first answer was that we were just going to make it work here in the city. After all, there are many families that live here in NYC with three children and are doing just fine. But as the months have gone by and more baby stuff is accumulating in our apartment, the walls are starting to close in. My apartment that seemed to be the perfect size for us just months ago, suddenly feels like the size of a closet.
We’ve started to look at houses in the suburbs, but with neither of us from this part of the country, we have absolutely no idea where to look or what would be best for our family. All we know is this city. And so that leaves us at a standstill.
The future of our family hangs right before us, and I find myself back in college wondering what’s going to happen next. Harlan starts kindergarten next year, Avery starts preschool, and we have a new baby. It’s a big year with one decision that will impact every single one of us in a big way.
For the first time in a long time I’m completely vulnerable and scared. It’s not often that I admit that to anyone, much less here on my blog. But, as I’ve mentioned here before, writing is my outlet. My therapy. It feels good to let all of these emotions that I’ve been holding inside for months, out in the open.
But no matter how many times I say, “I’m scared,” it still leaves that cloud looming over my head. The intense pressure that begs the question, “Where do we go from here?”
Image via Lindsey Belle Photography
16 comments
Emily
Twitter: naptimeismytime
Oh Lauren! Who says you can’t stay in the city? The best place to live is where you are the happiest, and that is where your family is. A small house, a big house. Who cares. Fill it with love and the space won’t be an issue!
Lauren
Thank Emily. We could stay in the city. It’s always an option, but sadly I feel like we are just outgrowing it. A part of me really longs for space and a backyard. That’s part of the problem is that I don’t know what I want. :/
Cara
You nailed it. I’m a mom of three in the city (5, 4 and 1) and I think every day that we need to leave for more space, a yard, a more “normal” place. But we haven’t moved and have no plans to. I too have no idea where to go. My daughter is in kindergarten now; my older son starts next year. And I am clueless as to where we should live. I’m terrified too! Good luck!!
Anna @ Gone Banannas
I know exactly what you mean about the abrupt ending and not sure what move to make next, Lauren! I moved out to Chicago right after college having never been there with the hopes that it might provide some direction 🙂
Did you want to stay close to the city? I am from NJ and there are areas in Hoboken (right across the water) that are very nice! Also, I have a lot of friends from varying areas of Long Island and they seem to all love it!
Robin
Hey, I gave you a shout-out a couple of posts ago, but I just wanted to let you know that I TOTALLY understand the feeling, and was in the exact same spot 2 years ago! Not only could I not imagine my life anywhere but Manhattan, but I was an admitted city snob, assuming that anything outside the city would somehow be selling out or just worse in some inexplicable way (in the same way that the city is awesome in an inexplicable way). We moved up to New Rochelle for a few reasons, mostly its proximity to the city since we both still work full-time in the city. But the great public school district we are in and of course the drastically reduced price-per-square-foot in the housing market had us sold. It took me about a year to adjust to suburban life (and I gave birth to our second a month after we moved, which didn’t speed up the transition), but it has really really grown on me and now I absolutely love it up here. I get my city fix all the time, but get to come home to a 5-bedroom house with a yard, can shop in nice, spacious (cheaper!) grocery stores, and just feel overall so much less stressed-out than when I was in the city. Like I said, please reach out if you have specific questions about Westchester, I’ve grown to know the area well.
Robin
p.s. I also forgot to mention that in almost every NYC suburb, you will quickly realize that ALL your neighbors also moved there from the city, so you will be in good company with like-minded folks. Our first block party up here when we were meeting people it was all “oh, I moved from the UES,” “I moved from the UWS,” “I moved from Brooklyn,” etc.
Carlotta Reeves
Dearest Lauren,
I remember a young Science teacher sitting in my office crying her eyes out because life had given her something she hadn’t planned! That beautiful young woman grew up a lot during those next few months and she became a very capable, loving mother!! You have grown, your family has grown, and you are all doing beautifully!!
You will get thru this too!! God has special plans for you and your family! Trust him to help you with your decisions!! YOU WILL BE GREAT!
K. Elizabeth @ YUMMommy
Twitter: YUMMommies
When I’m stuck at a crossroad and don’t know which way to go, I pray and meditate. The prayer is for guidance and meditating helps me to clear my mind so that I’m not constantly thinking about the problem at hand. I hope that you guys find a place that has the best of both the city and the suburbs!
hena tayeb
I wish I had an answer but I am sure you will find one.. and things will work out soon.. don’t lose hope
Janelle
I know what you’re feeling!! We just moved from a city apartment to a suburban house – largely for all the reasons people do: more space for less money, a big yard and garden, amazing public schools, etc. I really struggled with the decision, but am immediately happy with the change (as is our whole family). I’d love to get back to the city again some day, but it likely won’t be until after the kids are old and gone 🙂
We also moved to an area we weren’t familiar with — but I did oodles of research! It’s amazing what you can find out through google and google maps these days. And, simple by talking to a lot of people – friends AND strangers. When we found our house, I just knew it was the one — now we’ll find out if it really is 🙂
I’m sure your family will be happy whatever you decide – for the most part, it’s your relationships, not your location that bring joy. And, the big lesson I’ve learned is you can’t have it all! There are benefits and drawbacks to any situation and all you can do is make the best of whatever you have.
Good luck!!
Mommy Call
Twitter: mommy_call
I still say you should consider Philadelphia– it’s got the benefits of a city with the space and affordability that you need!
http://www.phillymag.com/articles/ex-new-yorkers-start-again-philly/
Lisa Bauerle
Come to Stamford, CT . Specifically the Springdale neighborhood. It’s a great , close nit neighborhood with lots of young families and you can walk to the train station!
Yakini
Totally understand, Lauren. It’s just the four of us (me, DH, and the two boys) but living in our apartment in the city feels stifling and we’ve definitely outgrown it.
We’re at a similar crossroads, with Chase starting Kindergarten next fall, and Bryce just one year behind him. Many pros and cons to us moving to the ‘burbs, with other considerations, like cost of living, expenses, etc.
Good luck with whatever you all decide, and know that Im keeping you in my thoughts/prayers!
Jess
Hey Lauren-
I love your website (and don’t even have kids yet!) … I’m a close friend of Taylor’s (your sister in law)… we were in Geneva together. I live in Pelham NY (a half hour train ride into the city– I commute into the Upper East Side for work every day) and wanted to let you know that if you have any questions about the suburbs– I’d be more than happy to show you around some neighborhoods I know (Pelham, New Rochelle, Larchmont, Mamaroneck, Scarsdale)…. Just let me know! 🙂 P.S. Your family is beautiful — and CONGRATS on baby 3! x
Erika
I love your blog! Don’t feel like you have to move out of the city. We live in Los Angeles (Pasadena) in a condo with three kids. Ages are 11 , 9 & 4. I can’t tell you how many people were shocked we weren’t moving out to the burbs and buy a house. We love city life, although I know it’s not NYC. We can walk to a lot of places including a nice park ( takes care of backyard issue). My children benefit from the overwhelming amount of kid activities available here. We homeschool since paying for private school for three kids would be out of the question in LA. Public schools are awful and the one charter school never has openings. We ride scooter etc in our neighborhood, go to parks, swimming (5 min from our house, attend pe class etc… Don’t let anyone make you think you can’t raise three kids in a apartment. Btw, my girls share a room, my son has his own room and then we have master bedroom. Not sure if you have 2 or 3 bedrooms but they could easily share while young. Mine did till 3 years ago then my husband gave up his office. Every room has multiple purposes which is key. Also, stay organized and get rid of things you don’t use.
Katie
I’ve been catching up on your blog when I just came across this post! If you have considered moving to NJ at all, I highly suggest you look at Bergen County. We live in Ridgewood and could not have asked for a better small-town community. Ridgewood is a NYC communter town, with express trains bringing you into the city in under an hour. The town is one of the best in the state for public schools, and the downtown area provides everything you need. The best part about Ridgewood though, the people. Everyone comes together to support one another and we take care of our own. I couldn’t have asked for a better place to raise my children.
http://money.cnn.com/magazines/moneymag/bplive/2011/snapshots/PL3463000.html
http://www.usnews.com/education/best-high-schools/new-jersey/districts/ridgewood-village/ridgewood-high-school-12746
Good luck in your search!