Motherhood

Macks: Month 8

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Does he look chubbier? Because he is! 🙂 Macks had an incredible month filled with so many milestones!

After a month long initiative including weekly visits to his pediatrician and lactation consultant, Macks weight is up! He gained over a pound this month and I was so happy with the results, I left our last weight check in tears (of joy.) He’s eating oatmeal mixed with breast milk in the morning and evening and has either a fruit or vegetable for lunch. That mixed with our regular nursing sessions is what’s helping him pack on the pounds.

It’s funny because as we were working on his weight gain, MacKay picked him up and kept insisting that he was getting heavier. Not wanting to get my hopes up, I just nodded. But sure enough he was getting heavier. I don’t think I could be happier to see those little leg rolls.

And with the weight gain, Macks was also in a hurry to grow up this month. He’s crawling, had his bottom two teeth that sprouted, and is pulling himself up on nearly everything in our house. I mentioned last month he was on the brink of being mobile and boy is he. He will not stop moving. At least he’s keeping me on my toes.

He is sleeping much better and is so happy now that he’s on the move and can go anywhere he pleases. The girls are loving his mobility and are constantly on the floor with him crawling around. Although these moments of him growing are filled with fun, it’s also bittersweet. We love you Macks!

And onto month nine!

 

{Month One :: Month Two :: Month Three :: Month Four :: Month Five :: Month Six :: Month Seven}

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Motherhood

The Wild Child

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Macks just started crawling a couple of weeks ago. He’s been trying to for so long and everything finally clicked for him. But now that he’s moving, he doesn’t stop.

When the girls started crawling, it was much more subtle. They moved a little bit and would then stop and play. They didn’t explore the apartment much, which made it incredibly easy. I’m not sure if it’s becuase we have so much more space, or because Macks just loves to be on the move, but this kid is into everything.

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The second that he started crawling I drove to the store to buy as many baby proofing items that I could find. I came home, baby proofed and within minutes this kid had taken off every single corner protector on the television stand. I even went and attached it with duct tape and he still managed to take it off.

I completely understand now when I hear moms say that they burn most of their calories running after their little ones. As soon as I sit down is the same moment that Macks decides to book it to the kitchen in search of the dog bowl.

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Within hours of him officially crawling, he was already finding places around the house to pull himself up. Most of the time he likes to try climbing up the walls (literally.) The situation usually ends badly because he can’t do it, but that doesn’t stop him from trying over and over again.

He succeeded at getting his first black eye on Saturday after rushing over to the refrigerator when it was open and attempting to pull himself up on the shelf. He fell and his eye bumped the shelf on the way down. For as bad as it looked, he took it like a champ and hardly cried. I was probably more hurt than he was. If it only took him a week to get a black eye, I have a feeling we will be seeing many more in our future. This kid is fearless.

For all of the ease that the girls gave me when they became mobile, Macks is paying it back tenfold. The beauty of motherhood is that with each child, the experience is always new. The second you think that you have it figured out or think you know what’s coming next, that little one throws you for a loop.

I am embracing this new stage of my little wild child. It’s made him become much more independent and he’s so happy to be able to do a little bit more on his own and join his sisters in on all of the fun. He’s keeping me on my toes, but that’s exactly where I want to be.

 

 

 

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Motherhood

Let’s Talk About It

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I remember it like it was yesterday. Deep down inside I knew it was coming. I’d had symptoms for days, spent hours in the emergency room, and was in so much pain.

I walked into my doctor’s office on Monday for an ultrasound. There had been so much blood the day before that I knew exactly what happened. The ultrasound confirmed it. That little baby that had a strong heartbeat just days before was now gone.

That pain that I was experiencing was replaced with something much more painful. Heartache. Complete and utter heartache. I felt so alone. I walked out of the doctor’s office in a daze, unsure of where to go next. No one but MacKay knew of the pregnancy so he was the first person I called. I sobbed as I tried to get the words out that we had lost the baby. Our child.

After feeling like I was going to explode from all of the heartache, I finally called my mom and my sister. Trying to explain that I was pregnant and then suddenly wasn’t pregnant was so hard. My mom immediately flew up from Florida and my sister rushed to our apartment from downtown Manhattan. Talking about it with them didn’t completely take the pain away, but it helped. But that was as far as I went with sharing my story, which turned out to be even more painful than I ever imagined.

My biggest mistake was not speaking out. Not sharing my loss.

I was ashamed.

I was scared.

I was heartbroken.

It was only once I got pregnant with Avery that I shared my loss with others. Somehow I thought that getting pregnant again would mask the heartache. It didn’t.

But sharing my story did. Talking about it with others did. Letting the words flow from my fingertips did. And most of all, you did.

Reading your stories and hearing that I’m not alone in my heartache (still) gives me comfort. To know that it’s okay to still cry over this baby that I never had the chance to meet. And that I’m still allowed to be angry.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that baby. I’m still heartbroken and some days I’m still scared, but I am no longer ashamed.

To those of you who have experienced a loss, I send you my deepest sympathies. 

 

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